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Published On: Mar 17, 2007 02:40 PM
Total entries in this category:
Published On: Mar 17, 2007 02:40 PM
To Be or Not To Be? The Question of Kids..!?
I have been asked more times than I care to
remember about whether or not a certain individual should have kids. What
follows is my own well-meaning (though perhaps imperfect)
advice.
My family was attending yet another Thanksgiving
get-together with over 20 relatives in attendance. One of my husband's relatives
posed the question to us (that we had heard countless times
before):
"Should we have children...??"
The couple had married about 2 years ago and they had just bought a home in the San Francisco, CA area. They were now asking us if they should have kids or not. Laugh
Boy, that depends...here's a few things to think about...
Despite the fact that I am a Mom I will whole-heartedly say that "Not everyone should be a parent!" In fact there are numerous parents that I have ran into that should never have been parents. I remember seeing a young mother in the Mall. Her hair and clothes were styled to the 9th degree (real mother's have no time to style their hair). The young Mom was yelling at her poor son and basically treating him as if she had wished he had never been born. The other memory I want to share is when I was doing returns at Toy's R Us. The parent was returning one of their child's toys. The child was compliant, but that didn't keep the parents from cussing at the child in the most profane language I had ever heard. I was an adult and I was offended. And that poor child--what would they grow up to be like with a parents yelling and cussing at them constantly? Let me repeat: "Not everyone should have kids". Don't have a kid if you won't love them or have the time to take care of them (for at least another 18 years!). Remember having a kid is not only a commitment for the next 18 years--it's a commitment for the rest of your life. Not only will you take care of your own kid--but hopefully your kid's kids.
Traits That Let You Know That You Should Not Have Kids:
Your career means everything to you
You want to travel
You are self-centered (this can never happen with kids around!)
You are immature and want to stay that way
You are not patient
You desire to have a lot of time to yourself (or for that matter any time to yourself)
You desire to look like a model (giving birth gets rid of that one really quick!)
You desire to sleep in the morning
You are not whole
You have psychological problems (neurotic, depressed...)
Desirable Traits for a Parent-To-Be:
Patient
Humble
Mature
Mentally balanced
Ability to stay at home with your kid and to put your career on the back burner (perhaps indefinitely)
Desire to grow as an individual
You have a stable relationship (Marriage is best. )
You have a stable job/income
You own a home/condo (apartments are not for kids)
You have a backyard or nearby park (kids need space to run around)
You are willing to give and give of yourself on a regular basis with no thought of return
You have the ability to survive on minimal amounts of sleep!!
You are OK with putting your social life on hold while your family life creates its own new dynamics
So Why Have Kids?
After all of the things you should have or not have to be a good parents you're probably wondering why you should even bother to have children. Of course, sometimes it just happens... You have sex, then surprise...a baby 9 months later! And once the baby is born you will soon learn what sleep deprivation is like (all the while you will need to take care of an extremely helpless infant who relies on you for all of his/her needs and who will scream bloody murder if they do not get their needs met!)
So again...why have kids?
Another laugh...
#1: I don't think that anyone can ever understand total unconditional love until you receive it from your children. Even abused kids love unconditionally--it's sad but true. I can have the hardest, most miserable day at work, but to hear my daughter say, "Mommy, I love you!" makes it all worth it.
#2: Being a parent also allows you to grow in ways that you never thought that you would. I guess you can call parenting the great educator. Nothing stretches you to your limits or helps you grow as much as having kids.
#3: Another factor is happiness. I don't ever recall being as happy as I do now with my daughter. (Of course she's not a teenager yet!) Having a child brings a measure of happiness into my life that cannot be measured.
#4: It can be amazing what your child can teach you. Now rest assured that you will be teaching your child as well. But I never thought that learning was a two-way street with children. My daughter has taught me to slow down (i.e. to stop and smell the roses) in this world of constant motion. My daughter has also taught me to seek out deeper emotional connections. in our fast paced world we usually give up real relationships for superficial ones. Kids can change that too. You will never realize all that a child can teach you until you have one.
So should you have a child?
Do some soul-searching. Think about what having a child will mean to you and how it will effect your life. I can only say that my daughter's life has effected me positively. Even when I think of all of the puking, dirty diapers, smeared poo, temper tantrums and arguments. I can truly say that she has enriched my life for the better. But that is not the case for all parents. I have heard parents say, "I wish you had never been born!" And for those parents, I only wish that they had been using birth control long before they said that statement.
"Should we have children...??"
The couple had married about 2 years ago and they had just bought a home in the San Francisco, CA area. They were now asking us if they should have kids or not. Laugh
Boy, that depends...here's a few things to think about...
Despite the fact that I am a Mom I will whole-heartedly say that "Not everyone should be a parent!" In fact there are numerous parents that I have ran into that should never have been parents. I remember seeing a young mother in the Mall. Her hair and clothes were styled to the 9th degree (real mother's have no time to style their hair). The young Mom was yelling at her poor son and basically treating him as if she had wished he had never been born. The other memory I want to share is when I was doing returns at Toy's R Us. The parent was returning one of their child's toys. The child was compliant, but that didn't keep the parents from cussing at the child in the most profane language I had ever heard. I was an adult and I was offended. And that poor child--what would they grow up to be like with a parents yelling and cussing at them constantly? Let me repeat: "Not everyone should have kids". Don't have a kid if you won't love them or have the time to take care of them (for at least another 18 years!). Remember having a kid is not only a commitment for the next 18 years--it's a commitment for the rest of your life. Not only will you take care of your own kid--but hopefully your kid's kids.
Traits That Let You Know That You Should Not Have Kids:
Your career means everything to you
You want to travel
You are self-centered (this can never happen with kids around!)
You are immature and want to stay that way
You are not patient
You desire to have a lot of time to yourself (or for that matter any time to yourself)
You desire to look like a model (giving birth gets rid of that one really quick!)
You desire to sleep in the morning
You are not whole
You have psychological problems (neurotic, depressed...)
Desirable Traits for a Parent-To-Be:
Patient
Humble
Mature
Mentally balanced
Ability to stay at home with your kid and to put your career on the back burner (perhaps indefinitely)
Desire to grow as an individual
You have a stable relationship (Marriage is best. )
You have a stable job/income
You own a home/condo (apartments are not for kids)
You have a backyard or nearby park (kids need space to run around)
You are willing to give and give of yourself on a regular basis with no thought of return
You have the ability to survive on minimal amounts of sleep!!
You are OK with putting your social life on hold while your family life creates its own new dynamics
So Why Have Kids?
After all of the things you should have or not have to be a good parents you're probably wondering why you should even bother to have children. Of course, sometimes it just happens... You have sex, then surprise...a baby 9 months later! And once the baby is born you will soon learn what sleep deprivation is like (all the while you will need to take care of an extremely helpless infant who relies on you for all of his/her needs and who will scream bloody murder if they do not get their needs met!)
So again...why have kids?
Another laugh...
#1: I don't think that anyone can ever understand total unconditional love until you receive it from your children. Even abused kids love unconditionally--it's sad but true. I can have the hardest, most miserable day at work, but to hear my daughter say, "Mommy, I love you!" makes it all worth it.
#2: Being a parent also allows you to grow in ways that you never thought that you would. I guess you can call parenting the great educator. Nothing stretches you to your limits or helps you grow as much as having kids.
#3: Another factor is happiness. I don't ever recall being as happy as I do now with my daughter. (Of course she's not a teenager yet!) Having a child brings a measure of happiness into my life that cannot be measured.
#4: It can be amazing what your child can teach you. Now rest assured that you will be teaching your child as well. But I never thought that learning was a two-way street with children. My daughter has taught me to slow down (i.e. to stop and smell the roses) in this world of constant motion. My daughter has also taught me to seek out deeper emotional connections. in our fast paced world we usually give up real relationships for superficial ones. Kids can change that too. You will never realize all that a child can teach you until you have one.
So should you have a child?
Do some soul-searching. Think about what having a child will mean to you and how it will effect your life. I can only say that my daughter's life has effected me positively. Even when I think of all of the puking, dirty diapers, smeared poo, temper tantrums and arguments. I can truly say that she has enriched my life for the better. But that is not the case for all parents. I have heard parents say, "I wish you had never been born!" And for those parents, I only wish that they had been using birth control long before they said that statement.
Posted: Mon - January 23, 2006 at 05:39 PM